


An Altercation

by Cowpog



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Dumb Crack, Gen, POV Outsider, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-03 22:07:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12155754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cowpog/pseuds/Cowpog
Summary: A strange, small infantryman slams his way into the SOLDIER cafeteria and starts yelling at the General. Onlookers are left watching in slightly horrified disbelief. And slight arousal.





	An Altercation

 The door to the SOLDIER cafeteria slammed open suddenly, hitting the wall behind it with a crash and making a few people cringe at the obvious destruction of property.

 

 Standing in the newly opened arch, boot still raised in kicking position, was the most pissed off infantryman anyone in the room had ever seen. Even though you couldn't see most of his face, what with the customary helmet and high scarf, just the dark aura and hint of teeth bared in a snarl was enough to get even the 2nd class SOLDIERs scrambling out of his way.

 

The infantryman stalked into the room, heading straight for the table where the First's (plus Fair) sat.

  
 All except one was were staring in shock at the audacity of the infantryman, while the General simply continued as he was, not even looking at the source of the commotion. If anyone had bothered to look they would have seen the slightest smirk on his face.

 

 Once he reached the table the infantryman stood behind Sephiroth in what would be a looming position on anyone else but, unfortunately, he was barely the same height as the General sitting down.

 

 The infantryman opened his mouth, obviously trying to find the words he wanted to spit at the still uncaring man, but instead simply let out a wordless snarl of rage.

 

 “Hello to you too, Cloud,” Sephiroth greeted casually, taking a dainty sip of his drink.

 

 “What. The fuck. Did you do?” the infantryman (Cloud?) asked between grit teeth.

 

 “Why would you assume this is my fault?” Sephiroth finally turned to face Cloud and raising an eyebrow.

 

 Cloud made a sound of angry disbelief. “Maybe it's because everything **is** your fault! Literally everything that has gone wrong in my life can be linked back to you!”

 

 “That is still no reason to blame me.”

 

 “Yes it is! Now what the actual **fuck** is going on!”

 

 “Temper, temper. Do you kiss your busty sidekick with that mouth?”

 

 “We're not dating! No matter what she or anyone else says! And don't avoid the question, you mother complex!”

 

 “I would have thought you would be able to deduct what has happened, but perhaps I was being optimistic.” (The others at the table made choking noises at the thought of Sephiroth being optimistic.)

 

 “I actually _did_ already work out what was happening , thanks. And I also know that it's **impossible**.”

 

 “Some would say the same about returning from death but I've proven I can do that, haven't I?”

 

 “Are you really going to start gloating about that right now? Are you trying to institute some kind of dick measuring contest between us? Because I'm pretty sure I know who's gonna win and it's not Mr. Completely-Impractical-Seven-Feet-Long-Sword!”

 

 “Yes, your very imaginatively name ‘Fusion Sword’ **is** quite nice. Especially when paired with that beautiful motorcycle. Where are they now, by the way?”

 

 ....

 

 “ **MY BABIES** !” A large portion of the room flinched at the sudden shriek, hands flying to cover over-sensitive ears. “ **YOU TOOK ME AWAY FROM MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN!”**

 

 “We're not going to mention the actual human child you adopted who was left behind? Whatever his name was. It was as ridiculous as your own, I'm sure.”

 

 “My own flesh and blood, who I held in my own womb…” The infantryman’s mumbling was making less and less sense.

 

 Even the General was starting to look at him weird. “... Did something terrible happen on the way here? Did something go wrong or have you always been like this and no one ever noticed?”

 

 Cloud seemed to pull himself together and straightened, going back to (not quite) looming. “You'll pay for this Sephiroth. For bringing me back to this fucking place, away from my babies with no way to defend myself. I'm going to _ruin you._ ”

 

 The General actually _rolled his eyes_  dismissively. “I'm sure you'll try your very best. Until then, why don't you go visit your ghost girlfriend? Now that you're no long separated by her being a ghost.”

 

 “Don't call her that,” Cloud _hissed._ “She's not a ghost, she wasn't my girlfriend and you have **no** right to speak of her in any way except apologising for your very existence in your final dying breath.”

 

 “Does it truly count as a final dying breath if you come back afterwards?” Sephiroth mused, tilting his head thoughtfully.

 

 Cloud didn't move but the observers had the distinct impression he was narrowing his eyes. “I think it starts losing its authenticity after the first three times,” he admitted reluctantly. “But it would still make me feel better.”

 

 “Well, we all know about how I like to make you feel _good_ .”  The General fucking _leered_ , leaning forward purposely and allowing his long trails of silver hair to move in such a way that the majority of people around the room had to subtly swallow.

 

 Cloud didn't even twitch.  “You _are_ always asking me about what I treasure most and what brings me the most pleasure. Guess we know who's the puppet in this relationship.”

 

 “And yet, you are the one who always comes running whenever I call.” Sephiroth was simply oozing smug satisfaction at that.

 

 There was a pause as the infantryman tried to come up with some way to counter that. “Fuck you.”

 

 “Maybe later.” Was the prompt response.

 

 Cloud growled deeply again and his hands twitched violently.

 

 It was then the his severe case of tunnel vision loosened and he noticed the fairly public place they were in, that was filled with people eagerly watching the by play.

 

 He apparently decided to wrap this up. “This isn't the end of this. I'll have my revenge. I will make you taste despair, breath pain and you will _regret_.”

 

 Sephiroth paused and appeared to think this over. “I think we're spending a bit too much time together. You're starting to sound like me.”

 

The infantryman ignored him and tore off towards the closest exit, only pausing to make an ‘I'm watching you’ motion at the General that was severely damped by the fact his face was still obscured by the helmet before sprinting through the door and down a hall, barking at anyone unfortunate enough to be in his way to move or be moved.

 

 There was a silence.

 

 “Who was that?” Zack Fair breathed out, evidently in awe of the small, unknown man who apparently had never even heard of the word fear.

 

 Sephiroth slowly stood, raising gracefully from the dingy plastic seats that were all Shinra was willing to offer its weary employees.

 

 “That,” he said with great relish, “was my Hero.”

 

 With that confusing statement still rattling through the skulls of the now even more bewildered onlookers, he swept elegantly from the room, leather coat flaring out behind him dramatically.

 

 There was a silence.

 

 “So, was that guy's name really _Cloud_?” someone asked.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this ages back in the middle of the night in one go. I found it again, read it, laughed and decided to vaguely edit it before posting it for you, the people. It's clunky and not very good but I don't even care.  
> I have a half plan to continue this but I admit I almost definitely won't


End file.
